If limerent chemistry has led you into a relationship with someone who is exciting but incompatible, you can end up in the trap of exhilaration turning to exasperation. It can burn hot and thrilling early on, but it is difficult to sustain that in a long term relationship. It can be confusing to distinguish between someone who excites through provocation rather than attraction, especially if conflict had been a part of our family life.Ĭhemistry, by its nature, is explosive. Sometimes sparks fly because of friction, rather than electricity. Some people can be very stimulating company, but not necessarily because they connect to a deep part of our romantic selves. Arousal is a critical component of limerence, but being enthralled and enchanted are not the same thing. In reality, the psychological basis of attraction is likely to be so complex that it defies neat explanations.Ī final important point for chemistry is that it can sometimes be hard to distinguish excitement from drama. Everyone we meet will be our opposites in some ways and alike in others. It’s a nice theory, but like all unifying ideas, it captures a core truth while missing a lot of details. We are drawn to people who complement that subconscious anima or animus energy. Jungian psychoanalysis talks frequently about the anima and animus (those subconscious aspects of ourselves that counter our masculine or feminine traits), and a common theory is that we are attracted to partners that complement our persona – so introverts are attracted to extraverts, for example, or timid people are attracted to adventurers. A popular theory is that we are attracted to our opposites. There are plenty of theories out there about what creates chemistry/alchemy between two people. Alchemy might be a better term for this phenomenon than chemistry, shrouded as it is in veils of uncertainty and psychological mystery. The wild complexity of our personal histories have made us responsive to certain physical and behavioural traits in others. Ones that we often didn’t even realise would come to shape our romantic sensibilities. Romantic chemistry is situated in the subcortical parts of the brain – the people we find attractive are firing up brainstem circuits that were programmed by nebulous past experiences. You can try to ignore the lack of either for a while, but such willful blindness dooms the relationship to a slow defeat.Ĭhemistry for limerents is revealed in the glimmer – that sense of romantic potency in another person that is ignited by subconscious cues that we rarely understand at a rational level. This conflict is especially challenging because we also intuit that chemistry or compatibility can’t be forced – you either click or don’t – and faking it isn’t going to work, because the feelings are too deep and fundamental to our emotional makeup. Even worse, the two forces sometimes seem in opposition – how can you be excited by someone who makes you feel safe? How can you relax around someone who arouses you? You “get” each other.Įither one of these forces alone can make a relationship seem viable, but without both it tends to feel incomplete. The confidence that comes from shared goals, shared hopes, and a shared life. It is the comfort of harmonious companionship, the trust, security and warmth of mutual admiration and affection. You want each other.Ĭompatibility is less showy, but no less important. One of the biggest difficulties in romantic relationships is the conflict between two necessary factors: chemistry and compatibility.Ĭhemistry is the visceral excitement of desire – the sparky, exhilarating thrill of connection, the hungry craving for intimacy, the natural, animal magnetism of lust and sensual energy.
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